Let us play now - true or false?
What is real and what is not?
Am I real, and are you false?
The game is on, but who's to judge?
What you see is what you get
This is the rule we shall not forget
But who will tell me what to look?
And what to trust and what is lust?
And who did give me all those glasses?
Of the rainbow all the colors passes
And all I see and all you see
Is nothing but a hearth's desire
Painted, colored, vivid, living
but all so false - for what you see
is what you get.
And if you can't see?
You only get
what you didn't see...
четвъртък, 27 ноември 2008 г.
True or false?
Well, today something made me think... About the so-called "real" and "imaginary" things in life...
So what is real? How can we define what is real, and important and worthy in our lives? How can one say "this love is real"? What makes it real? Is it a feeling at a particular moment? Or is it the long- term prognosis? Or perhaps it is just something in the air of the time? Of the past? What if a love is needed only to cure old wounds? And even if it succeeds - how can it be real then???
Is your job "real"? What is a real job? The one that makes you happy? Gives satisfaction? But how can something obligatory give satisfaction? These two words are almost antonyms now... Or is it because of the benefits, or stability, or position in society the job provides?
Is a family real? Even though blood bonds are said to be unbreakable - does this make them real? Good? Healthy? Providing for ones happiness? And should we cope with "unhealthy" family bonds - just because they are generally seen as "real"?
If all of the above provides for ones unahppiness - then what makes it real indeed? Necessary? Obligatory? Engaging? Bonding for life? What is a life's goal then - to learn to find and cope with all these real and really demanding things in life, which the society has accepted to be... foundations of a person, and of it's life???
And what if we go beyond - I mean - what if the society, economics, finance, world order and even life iself has no... reason, no meaning, no point for me? What shall I do then? They are real - according to everyone ( it is a truth widely acknowledged, as Jane Austen has said). Can I learn to find "a point"? Can I learn to live with it? To understand it, to accept, to forgive... As God is said to be forgiving for all flaws... But He doesn't seem forgiving to me... Or at least - he is not forgiving the innocent,. and yes - he is forgiving tose who are not... Is God serving the wrong interests?
And after all - how can I forgive the world for what it is, for its so inperfect nature and ways and commandments - since I cannot even forgive myself for my own faults? I am fighting them, yes ( in my own twiested and sick ways, which are slowly killing me..), but - I do have to kill what is bad inside of me... It has been the hardest battle in my life, and success is not coming even at a distant sight. Because life's unperfect, and us, humans are unperfect above all... So it is trully "mission impossible". And yet, I have to keep trying - in order to learn to love myself.
But then - even if I succeed one day? I will stand alone - I will have no one to love but myself, since I have killed with my own hands everything human inside me... ( that is - if we agree that humans = mistakes)... Then I will detest society and its life even more...
Will this be real? It has been my lifetime goal - ever since I can remember... To be perfect... Perfect for Him ( whoever he is - I haven't found anyone perfect yet - and I am as far from perfection as possible) Doesn't this make it real? It has everything - strong emotions, long- term commitment, expectations, endless life and death struggle...
If what we feel now is not real, even our strongest feelings, then what is? And if long- term, resonable plans and expectations leave you indifferent, cause no emotion, no need, no desire, no life flowing in yur veins.... Then how can it be real???
And yet, why have I only felt such emotions when doing something I know is wrong - never for a person, for job, for a choice, for life itself, for my family and friends.... Only for myself, when I am doing my own destruction because of my imperfection...
Does this make me real? Am I really in this world? Will I ever understand and love myself? Will anyone ever love me truly? Really so to say?
Will I ever be real? If not in my eyes and heart - in The Other's eyes and hearth?
So what is real? How can we define what is real, and important and worthy in our lives? How can one say "this love is real"? What makes it real? Is it a feeling at a particular moment? Or is it the long- term prognosis? Or perhaps it is just something in the air of the time? Of the past? What if a love is needed only to cure old wounds? And even if it succeeds - how can it be real then???
Is your job "real"? What is a real job? The one that makes you happy? Gives satisfaction? But how can something obligatory give satisfaction? These two words are almost antonyms now... Or is it because of the benefits, or stability, or position in society the job provides?
Is a family real? Even though blood bonds are said to be unbreakable - does this make them real? Good? Healthy? Providing for ones happiness? And should we cope with "unhealthy" family bonds - just because they are generally seen as "real"?
If all of the above provides for ones unahppiness - then what makes it real indeed? Necessary? Obligatory? Engaging? Bonding for life? What is a life's goal then - to learn to find and cope with all these real and really demanding things in life, which the society has accepted to be... foundations of a person, and of it's life???
And what if we go beyond - I mean - what if the society, economics, finance, world order and even life iself has no... reason, no meaning, no point for me? What shall I do then? They are real - according to everyone ( it is a truth widely acknowledged, as Jane Austen has said). Can I learn to find "a point"? Can I learn to live with it? To understand it, to accept, to forgive... As God is said to be forgiving for all flaws... But He doesn't seem forgiving to me... Or at least - he is not forgiving the innocent,. and yes - he is forgiving tose who are not... Is God serving the wrong interests?
And after all - how can I forgive the world for what it is, for its so inperfect nature and ways and commandments - since I cannot even forgive myself for my own faults? I am fighting them, yes ( in my own twiested and sick ways, which are slowly killing me..), but - I do have to kill what is bad inside of me... It has been the hardest battle in my life, and success is not coming even at a distant sight. Because life's unperfect, and us, humans are unperfect above all... So it is trully "mission impossible". And yet, I have to keep trying - in order to learn to love myself.
But then - even if I succeed one day? I will stand alone - I will have no one to love but myself, since I have killed with my own hands everything human inside me... ( that is - if we agree that humans = mistakes)... Then I will detest society and its life even more...
Will this be real? It has been my lifetime goal - ever since I can remember... To be perfect... Perfect for Him ( whoever he is - I haven't found anyone perfect yet - and I am as far from perfection as possible) Doesn't this make it real? It has everything - strong emotions, long- term commitment, expectations, endless life and death struggle...
If what we feel now is not real, even our strongest feelings, then what is? And if long- term, resonable plans and expectations leave you indifferent, cause no emotion, no need, no desire, no life flowing in yur veins.... Then how can it be real???
And yet, why have I only felt such emotions when doing something I know is wrong - never for a person, for job, for a choice, for life itself, for my family and friends.... Only for myself, when I am doing my own destruction because of my imperfection...
Does this make me real? Am I really in this world? Will I ever understand and love myself? Will anyone ever love me truly? Really so to say?
Will I ever be real? If not in my eyes and heart - in The Other's eyes and hearth?
вторник, 25 ноември 2008 г.
Who is she?
Well, since I feel the need to start this blog, perhaps there should be a beginning... and hopefully an end as well. So this post should be ... like an introduction, or explanation.
Yes, what better way to start than by pointing out the reason for doing so? I wonder now - to whom am I explaining this? To myself mostly, I need to put some borders, grid lines and rules - as it is with everything I do... It truly doesn't matter if anyone is reading this, or what may anyone thing about my blurbs...
So, to start with - I will explain why I chose English - it is not my native language, and I definitely do not feel the need to practice it more. But somehow, some why - my thought are always so much more clear when I use a foreign language to express this darkness inside me... And I want only one thing - to put it away, to throw it out of me, so that it never hurts me again... Will I succeed? No idea... But perhaps, I will understand that duality inside me... It is truly ME when I use my native language, so I do hope there will be posts here which are really mine.
But most of all - I need to understand, let go and forget - if ever such a thing could be accomplished - the other girl. She is not me, she is a stranger and a foreigner - she has no language of her own, no roots, no future, no hope, no forgiveness, no love... only a cold and empty abyss inside of her... And yet, little by little she is estranging me... turning me into herself, destroying me, hurting, hurting, pain, oh boy there is too much pain ... And it's overwhelming, and it is so much easier to give in, to relax into this emptiness. I forgot now why do I have to fight it? Even if I do destroy everything I have, everything I am... It is such a sweet destruction... I do like it, I can't and I won't deny it... But yet, there is still a part of me that isn't dead - not yet at least.
And I know, soon I will give it up... if I don't let it all out... Need to fight this, need to find my meaning and to bring back the love of me in my life. Or at least - I need the knowledge, that I did my best, I've tried with every possible way I found...
Yes, what better way to start than by pointing out the reason for doing so? I wonder now - to whom am I explaining this? To myself mostly, I need to put some borders, grid lines and rules - as it is with everything I do... It truly doesn't matter if anyone is reading this, or what may anyone thing about my blurbs...
So, to start with - I will explain why I chose English - it is not my native language, and I definitely do not feel the need to practice it more. But somehow, some why - my thought are always so much more clear when I use a foreign language to express this darkness inside me... And I want only one thing - to put it away, to throw it out of me, so that it never hurts me again... Will I succeed? No idea... But perhaps, I will understand that duality inside me... It is truly ME when I use my native language, so I do hope there will be posts here which are really mine.
But most of all - I need to understand, let go and forget - if ever such a thing could be accomplished - the other girl. She is not me, she is a stranger and a foreigner - she has no language of her own, no roots, no future, no hope, no forgiveness, no love... only a cold and empty abyss inside of her... And yet, little by little she is estranging me... turning me into herself, destroying me, hurting, hurting, pain, oh boy there is too much pain ... And it's overwhelming, and it is so much easier to give in, to relax into this emptiness. I forgot now why do I have to fight it? Even if I do destroy everything I have, everything I am... It is such a sweet destruction... I do like it, I can't and I won't deny it... But yet, there is still a part of me that isn't dead - not yet at least.
And I know, soon I will give it up... if I don't let it all out... Need to fight this, need to find my meaning and to bring back the love of me in my life. Or at least - I need the knowledge, that I did my best, I've tried with every possible way I found...
Абонамент за:
Публикации (Atom)