True or false?

Well, today something made me think... About the so-called "real" and "imaginary" things in life...
So what is real? How can we define what is real, and important and worthy in our lives? How can one say "this love is real"? What makes it real? Is it a feeling at a particular moment? Or is it the long- term prognosis? Or perhaps it is just something in the air of the time? Of the past? What if a love is needed only to cure old wounds? And even if it succeeds - how can it be real then???
Is your job "real"? What is a real job? The one that makes you happy? Gives satisfaction? But how can something obligatory give satisfaction? These two words are almost antonyms now... Or is it because of the benefits, or stability, or position in society the job provides?

Is a family real? Even though blood bonds are said to be unbreakable - does this make them real? Good? Healthy? Providing for ones happiness? And should we cope with "unhealthy" family bonds - just because they are generally seen as "real"?

If all of the above provides for ones unahppiness - then what makes it real indeed? Necessary? Obligatory? Engaging? Bonding for life? What is a life's goal then - to learn to find and cope with all these real and really demanding things in life, which the society has accepted to be... foundations of a person, and of it's life???

And what if we go beyond - I mean - what if the society, economics, finance, world order and even life iself has no... reason, no meaning, no point for me? What shall I do then? They are real - according to everyone ( it is a truth widely acknowledged, as Jane Austen has said). Can I learn to find "a point"? Can I learn to live with it? To understand it, to accept, to forgive... As God is said to be forgiving for all flaws... But He doesn't seem forgiving to me... Or at least - he is not forgiving the innocent,. and yes - he is forgiving tose who are not... Is God serving the wrong interests?

And after all - how can I forgive the world for what it is, for its so inperfect nature and ways and commandments - since I cannot even forgive myself for my own faults? I am fighting them, yes ( in my own twiested and sick ways, which are slowly killing me..), but - I do have to kill what is bad inside of me... It has been the hardest battle in my life, and success is not coming even at a distant sight. Because life's unperfect, and us, humans are unperfect above all... So it is trully "mission impossible". And yet, I have to keep trying - in order to learn to love myself.

But then - even if I succeed one day? I will stand alone - I will have no one to love but myself, since I have killed with my own hands everything human inside me... ( that is - if we agree that humans = mistakes)... Then I will detest society and its life even more...

Will this be real? It has been my lifetime goal - ever since I can remember... To be perfect... Perfect for Him ( whoever he is - I haven't found anyone perfect yet - and I am as far from perfection as possible) Doesn't this make it real? It has everything - strong emotions, long- term commitment, expectations, endless life and death struggle...

If what we feel now is not real, even our strongest feelings, then what is? And if long- term, resonable plans and expectations leave you indifferent, cause no emotion, no need, no desire, no life flowing in yur veins.... Then how can it be real???

And yet, why have I only felt such emotions when doing something I know is wrong - never for a person, for job, for a choice, for life itself, for my family and friends.... Only for myself, when I am doing my own destruction because of my imperfection...
Does this make me real? Am I really in this world? Will I ever understand and love myself? Will anyone ever love me truly? Really so to say?
Will I ever be real? If not in my eyes and heart - in The Other's eyes and hearth?