Who is she?

Well, since I feel the need to start this blog, perhaps there should be a beginning... and hopefully an end as well. So this post should be ... like an introduction, or explanation.
Yes, what better way to start than by pointing out the reason for doing so? I wonder now - to whom am I explaining this? To myself mostly, I need to put some borders, grid lines and rules - as it is with everything I do... It truly doesn't matter if anyone is reading this, or what may anyone thing about my blurbs...

So, to start with - I will explain why I chose English - it is not my native language, and I definitely do not feel the need to practice it more. But somehow, some why - my thought are always so much more clear when I use a foreign language to express this darkness inside me... And I want only one thing - to put it away, to throw it out of me, so that it never hurts me again... Will I succeed? No idea... But perhaps, I will understand that duality inside me... It is truly ME when I use my native language, so I do hope there will be posts here which are really mine.

But most of all - I need to understand, let go and forget - if ever such a thing could be accomplished - the other girl. She is not me, she is a stranger and a foreigner - she has no language of her own, no roots, no future, no hope, no forgiveness, no love... only a cold and empty abyss inside of her... And yet, little by little she is estranging me... turning me into herself, destroying me, hurting, hurting, pain, oh boy there is too much pain ... And it's overwhelming, and it is so much easier to give in, to relax into this emptiness. I forgot now why do I have to fight it? Even if I do destroy everything I have, everything I am... It is such a sweet destruction... I do like it, I can't and I won't deny it... But yet, there is still a part of me that isn't dead - not yet at least.

And I know, soon I will give it up... if I don't let it all out... Need to fight this, need to find my meaning and to bring back the love of me in my life. Or at least - I need the knowledge, that I did my best, I've tried with every possible way I found...